nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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