I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
