What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize