Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
