So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
