yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
