There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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