A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
