My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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