I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
