it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
