i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
