so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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