just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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