i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
