I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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