DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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