The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
