At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
