The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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