He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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