have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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