sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
