He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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