Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
