why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize