I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
