I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
