I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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