Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So vagazzling was a success
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
