one might say we're banned from that church
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
