Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize