what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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