im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
