I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
