Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
pray to the hookup gods
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