I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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