So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There's even glitter on my cock...
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