he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
