im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
