The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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