One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
In America we eat man semen.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
