piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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