nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
