I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
