At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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