i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
