She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
