oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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