You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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