so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
