Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
