i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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