two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
