Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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