remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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