oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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