Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
